One of the advantages of working at a Scottish pub for years is that I have become quite familiar with the beauty of Scotches. However, I am far from a master. Very far. My friend, Christopher Lynch, on the other hand, is very well deserving of that title in my opinion.

I like to think of Scotches as the alcohol equivalent of pipe tobacco. There are lots of similar items (cigars and cigarettes / Irish and Canadian), but they are not quite the same. As Chris says, both Scotch and pipes are “where the true meaning of patience and perfection” come in. Each requires slowing down to fully appreciate and to craft perfectly. Scotches are aged, briar is aged. There are pipes and Scotches that are produced en masse and some of those manage to be decent, but the best examples of both end up coming from artisans who take their time and settle for nothing less than perfection.

You do not (or should not) knock back shots of good Scotch, much like you don’t rush through a quality bowl of pipe leaf. You don’t drink Scotch to become drunk and you don’t smoke a pipe for the nicotine hit, though both do sometimes happen anyway.

Pipes and Scotches are signs of luxury and the finer things in life. When we get a chance to enjoy either, it is hard not to smile and think about how grand life truly is. You tend not to drink Scotch in a grumpy mood, just like it is hard for me to smoke my pipe in a foul state.

There is a great deal in common between these two grand vices. Now, I will pass the floor over to someone who knows far more about Scotch than I. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Christopher Lynch’s first of many pieces on the fine art of Scotch:

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Often times when people think of Whisky, they think of bourbon whisky (Maker’s Mark, Jim Beam), Tennessee Whiskey like Jack Daniels, Jameson (Irish Whiskey) or Crown Royal (Canadian Whisky). What most people leave out (because they think that it’s something completely different) is Scotch Whisky. The Single Malt Scotch Whisky is where the true meaning of patience and perfection come in to make the distilled spirit unlike any other in the world. That may seem a bold statement for something that is primarily made up of water, but water is what plays the biggest role in defining the flavors in the whisky which varies from region to region, distillery to distillery.

The majority of the distilleries located throughout Scotland have been producing and aging whiskies for hundreds of years, and most are located near fresh springs both above (ground) and below. There are only a few simple rules that apply to producing single malt Scotch: All single malts use only malted barley (no other grains; wheats/ryes/corn). Scotch whisky must be aged for at least three years in oak casks. From there, it comes to which six regions the malt and the water come from, and how each master distiller has perfected and taken the time to artfully craft their unique spirit. In this day and age of instant gratification, single malt whisky remains one of the most uncomplicated, unchanged processes that is best appreciated after several years (sometimes decades) for the spirit to mature.

A first introduction to single malt Scotch can seem overwhelming. The same can be said for a first introduction to wines, however, people have a general understanding of wines from all over the world. Most are familiar with a Shiraz from Australia or a Sangiovese from Chianti in Italy, or a big juicy Cabernet Sauvignon from California. In these cases, the characteristics of each wine changes ever so drastically from bottle to bottle. With single malt Scotch whisky, it is only produced in one country; that being Scotland. Without having to worry about any other countries, it comes down to the five regions that make up the whisky-producing areas in Scotland.

The Highlands (the Islands are now considered to be a sub-region of the Highlands); the Speyside region, which is home to majority of the distilleries in Scotland; the Lowlands, which only house four operating distilleries; the Campbeltown region once housed over 30 distilleries, but now has just three in operation. And lastly, there is the Islay (pronounced ‘eye-la’) region. The Islay region is home to eight operating distilleries. The common trait amongst Islay whiskies is their smoky characteristic that is most commonly derived from the peat that is burned during production, allowing the smoke to dry and flavor the malted barley before maturation.

The single malt Scotch whiskies that are best for beginners would be the Lowlands, also sometimes referred to as the “Lowland Ladies.” The whiskies in this region are very approachable, non-peated, and easy on the palate. Their notes are grassier, fresh water, and sometimes herbal. Those who have tried some form of whisky at one point or another, would be more suited to try Scotches from either the Highland or the Speyside region. Commonly known whiskies from the Speyside region, which are also the best-selling whiskies in the world, are Glenlivet and Glenfiddich. The late, great whiskey connoisseur Michael Jackson (not to be confused with the pop star) described the Scotches from Speyside to be “The most complex of whiskies, and the most elegant.”

When it comes to enjoying a dram of single malt Scotch, there really is no wrong way to consume it. Some, for example, prefer it over ice (‘On the rocks’), some may have theirs with club soda, or mix it in hot tea with a little lemon and honey. Whichever the case may be, it is about personal preference and each person’s taste buds differentiate tremendously from palate to palate. However, most master distillers will suggest to first try the single malt with nothing added to it at all (‘Neat’) and then add just about an eye-drop worth of distilled water to it to “bring the spirit back to life.” The aging process ends once it is bottled (opposite from wine) and it remains quite strong from the alcohol which can leave the palate numb. So the process of adding a little water dilutes it enough to taste and enjoy the many complex flavors found in each bottle. Whichever region and distillery that is chosen, single malt Scotch should always be enjoyed with great patience and appreciation. After all, that is how the distiller, after years of perfection, came to produce such an elegant, complex whisky in the first place.

Almost two months ago, I found myself doing one of the boldest, most life-changing actions in which I had ever partaken: I found myself down on one knee during the mid-day joust at the St. Louis Renaissance Faire in a full kilt, asking my girlfriend to marry me. The silly girl said yes, luckily enough for me. Naturally, this gave me pause to stop and reflect upon the many aspects of our relationship, but the one that I would specifically like to share with you is, without surprise, relating to pipes.

I remember that pipes used to be a point of slight contention between me and my fiance’ when we first started going out. Lauren came from a family that smoked cigarettes heavily and had come to despise them. Perhaps because of the success of the anti-tobacco propaganda, she had come to associate all tobacco products with cigarettes, as a lot of people do. Thus, because of the negative impact that cigarettes had on her family, she was concerned when she found out about my love for pipes.

Her fear concerned me as well, as I didn’t want to give up pipes, though I didn’t want to cause her grief. Naturally, smoking my pipes would have been the one to go if it had to, but I took this as an opportunity for discussion. I talked with her about the medical differences between pipes and cigarettes and let her know exactly why I love pipes as much as I do. I discussed at great length the joy that pipes bring into my life, the simple pleasure found in a quiet moment of reflection, and so on.

After hearing the differences, including the fact that pipes are smoked less frequently (typically) than cigarettes and are usually not inhaled into the lunges, she completely changed her tunes. She encouraged my hobby and has done her best to learn more about pipes because she knows how much they are a part of my life. There is little more touching to me than when I light up a blend around her and I see her pause, sniff the air, and identify it as an English or a Virginia.

Recently, Lauren did something that revealed her radical change in opinion of pipes.

We were attending a staff holiday party for the pub where we work and were both having a great time. It was a cold evening in December, but the heating lamps and fire pits made the back patio quite pleasant. Since the majority of the staff and friends of the staff were cigarette smokers, the majority of people spent their time on the patio, drinking and smoking and having a good time.

Along with my bottle of mead, one of my favorite drinks, I brought my IMP meerschaum and a bowl’s worth of Boswell’s Christmas Cookie.

When I pulled my pipe out, Phoebe, a server at the pub, said in her too-adorable British accent, “That looks like a whale bone!”

I kind of agree with her. It is a freehand design with a plateau-style finish at the top, which will look absolutely fantastic once it starts to color further. It was a present from my brother two Christmases ago and it has been my go-to meerschaum ever since.

Once I settled in by one of the heating lamps, with Lauren by my side, I lit up and relaxed. I truly adore Boswell’s Christmas Cookie, as you might have noticed with how frequently I have mentioned it. To me, it is absolutely the perfect aromatic, with nothing too overwhelming, but still perfectly light and sweet. It both tastes and smells like an oatmeal raisin cookie.

Once I had been puffing for a little while, I asked Lauren how it smelled. Being someone who is still allowed and able to smoke indoors, I find her opinion on the aroma of a given tobacco to be one of the biggest factors of when I choose to smoke what. There are certain ‘baccies that I reserve strictly for smoking indoors, as I know that she will like them. Mac Baren’s Honey and Chocolate comes to mind.

She heartily approved of the room note — who wouldn’t?

A couple of minutes later, as I slowly exhaled a wisp of smoke, I looked over to her and smiled. She smiled back and then made a strange face.

It looked like she was trying to suck on a straw that wasn’t there. I cocked an eyebrow, channeling Spock.

Using her lips to gesticulate, an impressive task while still having them pursed, she motioned towards my pipe.

I couldn’t believe it. Surely, she didn’t mean…

“You want to try?” I asked hesitantly. I felt like a child approaching a deer, not wanting to move too eagerly for fear of disturbing it.

She nodded.

Astonished, I handed her my pipe, which she delicately held by the stem like she had seen me do in an attempt to not get grime on the meerschaum itself.

She took the slightest of puffs and let it drift out of her mouth. It was gorgeous.

Smiling as a trail of smoke still drifted from her lips, she took another puff and handed the pipe back to me.

This continued through the evening, with me taking five puffs or so and then handing it back to her.

I cannot express how much this event meant to me. It felt like she had finally fully embraced a part of me that I had always been slightly afraid would offend her. It wasn’t until a year-and-a-half into our relationship that she saw me actually smoke for the first time.

Since that night, Lauren has treated my pipes like an extension of who I am, showing them respect and deep interest. She has even spontaneously suggested that I smoke a pipe. I’m not sure if it was because she thought I was stressed, but I think it was just because she knows how much I enjoy it.

It is amazing how much of a difference the acceptance and encouragement of my loved ones make in my ability to enjoy my pipes. I have never been one whose actions have been dictated by the whims of others, but those who get close enough to me to earn the title “loved ones” are people that I work hard at making happy.

This Spring, we both attended the Chicago Pipe Show and had an amazing time. We met fantastic people from all over the world, saw some of the most stunning pipes, and got to visit with friends over tobacco, gin-and-tonics, and laughter. While there, Lauren decided that she wanted to acquire a pipe for herself. I had purchased her a beautiful meerschaum pipe a month or so before, as I knew that it would be one that she loved — and she did — but she had found herself overcome with the same itch that assaults me every time Nick releases an update of pipes.

After browsing for some time, she decided that she had four criteria for a new pipe: she want it to be small, have bamboo, be black, and have a sandblasted finish. This was fairly specific, so I wasn’t sure if I was going to find one.

While waiting for a chance to speak with Hiroyuki Tokutomi,  I spied a pipe on the table from the Tokutomi Pipe Company that fit all of the qualities that Lauren requested. It was perfect and I snapped it up before anyone else had the chance.

Calling Lauren down from her room to the show floor, I presented her new pipe and watched her face light up. She carried the pipe around with her for the rest of the show, bragging about it to anyone that she could, and breaking it in with a bowl of McClelland’s Dominican Glory Maduro.

I know that Lauren’s initial resistance to my pipes was out of concern for my health. Now, after she has learned more about pipes, she sees them for what they are and embraces them for how happy they make me (not that they make me happier than her, of course!).

That’s the thing about loved ones. They are happy if you are happy. That’s why they are loved ones.