English
by Warren Wigutow
I want to begin my stint as a blogger by illustrating some basic distinctions. You are here because for some inexplicable reason you have an itch. This itch is insidious and can only be relieved by scanning the products of maladjusted would be architects, artists and engineers to see what they’ve done lately with chunks of heath tree root. Conversely, I am here because I’m curious to see what drives you, what nurtures your malady and exacerbates this concupiscence. This is purely scientific.
I have, on occasion, again for purely scientific reasons, purchased an artisan-made pipe. I find it gratifying to see how some cloistered theologian is working out great cosmic themes by grinding away at dense root balls until an aesthetically pleasing tube for collecting spit and char is born. My skepticism regarding the great mysteries is rewarded in this way. I have no need to photograph my prizes and to lord them over those less facile with the “buy it now” button. It is enough for me to know that no one else has the calm detachment I possess. I merely study the phenomena. I do not participate in it.
It is from this position of distance and objectivity that I can deliver the results of my observations. I can tell you the precise ratio of air to particulates that transverses the shank of your Kent (for a price). If your Ismir to Samsun polarity is askew with regard to conical profile of your Dancing Dublin’s chamber, I will not mock you, but merely make a note of it.
In short, I do not want any of you to feel as though you are stains on the microscopic slides of pipe scrutiny. I am here to help you. I have no need to own these effete, wooden sippy straws. I have them because it is my mission to understand what motivates all of you. If I choose to sell my silver fillings and back issues of Buffy and Angel Collector’s Magazine in order to finance the purchase of the only Revyagin pipe in existence that has no tobacco chamber or stem (this delivers a particularly cool smoke), it is because of my insatiable need to know why you would do the same thing if you were fortunate enough to find yourselves in my shoes. But alas, you are not in my shoes. You are caught on this hamster wheel of acquisition and proprietorship. I peer through the bars of the cage with both a sense of sympathy and of genuine superiority and it is because of this that your salvation is at hand.
As you peruse the offerings here, I want you to feel twinges of guilt and paranoia. Do not let the sinuous lines of that Knets fool you. It is just a pipe. It could turn out that I might need it for study anyway. It is imperative that you hang on every word I write in upcoming posts for only in this way will you come to understand yourselves and the vicious condition that has overcome you.
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I meant to add to this that it is a tribute to one of my favorite writers, Flann O’brien who once wrote:
“I saw that my witticism was unperceived and quietly replaced it in the treasury of my mind.”
— Flann O’Brien (At Swim-Two-Birds)
In that spirit, I hope you enjoy….. Warren
White dots, no dots, long and skinny, group one-two-three and four, some chambers as small as a child’s thimble, nothing fat or bulbous, many with flaws once destined for another, inconsequential perceived status or value, all simply for my pleasure and not to fill an ego of pompous fatuity.
Collector? Nah. In need of collection adoration? Why? Comfortable with what provides calming pleasure? That’s the goal. Having fun? More than deserved.
It’s going to take me all week to come up with a comment that deserves to be published here, dammit! Simple coarse humor isn’t going to be adequate. Although, there are many roads, and they all lead eventually to the same dark place.
I am suddenly overcome with a strong desire to send you all of my pipes. You will clearly manage them better than I and be helping me at the same time. Please provide your address.
Along with each individual pipe I send, will be an accompanied essay for that pipe, explaining the full lack of foresight related to its purchase. The follies you will read will help you and thus hopefully, you can continue to help me.
If you have a help line that some of us can use in the mean time…
1-800-PIPE DEMENTIA, please provide as well.
Regards
David – We have to take this slowly at first. I’d suggest that you send me only your most expensive pipes since those represent the greatest “follies”. Once I’ve determined the trajectory of your plummet into this sand pit of briar fetish, then and only then can I suggest a way out. I must say, though, that your establishing a blog is not a good sign. I dare not publish my address here for fear of receiving pipe bombs so I will set up collection stations in most major cities. As for a help line, I cannot risk frivolous phone calls interrupting my evening smoke.
Warren, I have a very rare old Kaywoodie drugstore pipe with a beautifully phlegm yellow oxidized and intriguingly molar rusticated stem, and the extremely rare snapped off aluminum stinger. It’s patina is mesmerizing. I also, believe it or not, have a breathtaking James Upshall 1/8 bent bulldog that most highly desirable of features, the totally misdrilled shank. It would be a huge sacrifice, but for a worthy cause, so I propose a trade. I’m an unworhty owner anyhow. I could be persuaded to let you have them both for study for a mere single specimen from your collection of inferior Scandinavian pipes – a Geiger or even one of those silly Ivarrsons or Nordhs would suffice.
Scott – Unfortunately I have thoroughly dissected my Ivarssons and Nordhs using a band saw and a railroad spike. I wanted to see what made them tick. My Geigers are currently soaking in a solution of Pepsi and bathtub gin. If they survive this I will let you know. Meanwhile, I’d suggest sending your Kaywoodie and your Upshall to Nick Miller at Quality Briar. He is well known to give a fair deal to everyone but his friends.
When I was in my early 20s, the No. 1 best selling book in the country was called, “I’m OK, You’re OK.”
I always loved that title because it expressed how I like to approach everyone in life, and I think it especially appropriate for the pipe community at this time.
Too many collectors are trying too hard to impress, using junk science to justify their choices or theories, which is bad enough. But what makes it much worse is to use that same junk to criticize other people’s choices.
Warren’s blog is unusually thought-provoking, and Bruce Weaver nails it when he says the whole point is to enjoy our pipes for their calming benefits and to have fun with the hobby.
I’m OK and You’re OK. That really is the best way to approach pipe smoking and pipe collecting.
I am not backing out Warren. I am committed to the task of helping myself. It’s just that the first few words in your response, got me thinking. You said: “…take this slowly…”
Perhaps I can still experience the necessary thrust of reality that you will soon give me, maybe it can however arrive via a slightly different route?
To that end, I would like to ask Rick if he would not mind me stopping by his house and perhaps borrowing a few of his pipes on a semi-permanent, likely long-term basis?!?
Whadd’ya say? It’s for science!
Warren,
We have so many experts in this world wanting to tell us all what pipes we should like and smoke. I am willing to jump out on a ledge here and throw my hypothesis out there on the science of pipe making and the pipe industry in general.
You just made my day! Though I think you’re on to something with that Reviagin idea
I believe that what makes a wonderful smoking pipe is that the pipe smoker likes it! That’s all that matters in the end. If you like your pipe, it’s a good pipe. If you hate it, I bet it smokes like crap!
Yeah Dustin, there have been times when a pipe suddenly stopped smoking well shortly after I became annoyed with its maker or the shop where it was purchased or the person who traded it to me. I’m tempted to give the credit to this phenomena to subtle differences in the earth’s magnetic field, but I suspect it really has something to do with me!
Warren, I am so happy to find that you are here for me! Unfortunately I don’t seem to need your services. I have no more of a problem w/ pipes than I do with drinking. I think it comes from many years of dedicated practice.
Tim – This sounds like classic denial to me. I propose that when next we meet we place a couple of drams of some fine beverage in front of us. Let’s see who caves first. The winner buys the next round…..